I dated a woman who was married but ‘separated’ from her husband. It went on for a few months until one day I get a call from her husband. He tells me he knows about our ‘relationship’ and he and his wife are trying to fix things. I let him know this was all a surprise to me and his wife was telling me they were separated and getting a divorce. He asks me to stop talking to her and allow them to work on their marriage and I agree. She still continues to contact me and I stop taking her calls since I can’t trust her to be honest with me.
One night she shows up at a bar where she knew me and my friends went every Wednesday night. The bouncer comes to get me and says some lady is out front in a minivan with her children asking for me (she had two children that were theirs besides our daughter). She tells me things aren’t working out with her husband and spends the night and we stay in contact.
A few months go by, we have now both gone our separate ways and again she shows up at the same bar knowing me and my friends went there every Wednesday night, which by the way wasn’t even in the same county she lived in. We spend the night together again and continue talking for a while but at this point I know her husband is living back at their house and I once again back off because I know they are not separated.
She contacts me out of the blue again to tell me she is pregnant. I ask what makes her think it is mine and she says she hasn’t been with anyone else. Naturally, I don’t believe her but we keep in touch because obviously I am curious to see if it is ‘ours’. She has the baby November 5th 2004 and again tells me she’s mine and we go to dinner with her and her mother and her sister and her other children as well as ‘our’ baby who is less than 3 months old at this point. Like all babies, she is cute but there is no way to tell if she is mine.
A few months go by and she shows up at my house with bald tires and no money (she doesn’t work) stating her husband is financially controlling and won’t give her money for food. I give her money for food or whatever she needs for all three kids as well as money for a new car seat because we are close, I feel bad for her and this might be my baby. Although she is only a few months old, there is still no way of telling if she was mine.
A year or so after the dinner, she sends me a picture and again says she is my child. The picture clearly showed a resemblance at this time. She looked like me, my sister and my mother all rolled into one. I sent the picture to my sister who thought it was a joke, she looked like me when i was a kid but with pigtails! It was amazing how much she had changed and I instantly knew she was mine. I was out of town and we agreed to get DNA testing when I returned. I was both nervous and excited because I already knew what the results would be.
We get DNA testing (the three of us) and the test comes back with a 99.9% match. I can’t describe how I felt, it was the most exciting day of my life and even now as I type this I am tearing up.
We agree on as much combined visitation as possible (she was 1 and a 1/2 years old and I knew nothing about taking care of a child. We would go to lunch, parks, anything and everything we could fit into the mother’s schedule since she was married of course.
We went to see a therapist, the same one she and her husband were seeing for marriage counseling, explained the circumstances and the therapist advised the mother she must tell her husband. We agreed she would and we would continue our visits and I agreed to pay child support monthly including paying ‘back’ child support for the first year and a half of my daughter’s life, which I gladly paid.
For the next year and a half I see my daughter weekly, sometimes two or three times a week. At this point I am engaged to my girlfriend who is aware of the situation and has met both the mother and my daughter and is fine with our visits. The visits continue for a few months, my daughter is comfortable with me, runs up to see me when I arrive and even calls me ‘dada’ at one of our lunch meetings and my heart melted (tearing up again) as her mother had a very uneasy look on her face and told her no. Nonetheless we ‘graduate’ to me taking my daughter by myself without her mother to the park now that I see my daughter is comfortable with me and that goes great,we had a blast.
By now, my friends and family know I have a daughter and my mother and grandmother both lived in another state and I desperately wanted them to meet my daughter. My grandmother was getting up there in years and neither of them flew. I asked to take her to visit them for a weekend and the mother insisted she would have to come. I told her that was ridiculous I am engaged and that would be extremely odd to bring my fiance and the mother of my child or just the mother of my child and leave my fiance at home, neither was really an option so this was put on hold.
We agree that the following weekend I can have my daughter for the whole day either Saturday or Sunday. Thursday comes around and I call to find out which day…no answer. Friday comes around and again no answer so I call her house phone and her husband answers. He asks why am I calling, as I am explaining she is screaming in the background for him to hang up on me and don’t listen to me. I tell him the reason I am calling and find out he had no idea. She never told him our daughter was mine, she lied to me about telling him, he had absolutely no clue.
He and I have a conversation in which I explain the DNA, the visitation and the child support. He says “you ruined my life now I am going to ruin yours” as if I knew his wife was cheating on him, her story was that they were separated. She then calls me and tells me I am never seeing my daughter again because she can’t ‘trust’ me now that I told her husband what he was already supposed to know according to her.
I immediately hire a lawyer in Palm Beach County where they live (I live in Broward County) who agrees to take the case and feels it should be very cut and dry. He files a petition in June of 2007 for paternity and visitation rights and their attorney files a motion to dismiss based on a law stating a child born to an intact marriage should not know they have a parent outside that marriage, which of course is NOT intact if there is a child by another father. Children have multiple parents, regular ones, step parents, etc, people get divorced and date other people or get re-married every day. How is that any different?
During the dismissal hearing no evidence was allowed to be submitted, I brought pictures (I took pictures of her every time) proving I had seen my daughter weekly for the past year and a half as well as the DNA papers but nothing was admissible. I tried telling the judge I saw my daughter for a year and a half, she called me ‘dada’ and that I had DNA proof and he quickly stopped me. BUT he did say he wasn’t so sure the circumstances were the same for my case and postponed his ruling. I was sick to my stomach with nervousness but waited and waited and waited to hear his decision.
Two weeks later (felt like two years) I get a call from my lawyer, he says the judge feels terrible for me but must grant the dismissal based on the previous law as well as a recent decision to uphold this law by the 4th District Court of Appeals.
I am devastated, heartbroken and confused. There is NO valid reason for me not to be able to continue seeing my daughter. I contact two separate attorneys who challenged this law with the Florida Supreme Court and neither the winner or the loser would agree to take this case before the Florida Supreme Court again. They both told me basically the same thing which was that in order to change the definition of an intact marriage the courts would be challenged on several cases previously decided on, including wills, probate, etc and there was no way that was going to happen.
I fired my first lawyer that lost the dismissal hearing, contacted several attorneys and none would agree to appeal it so I hired another attorney who was also a ‘friend’ and asked him to challenge it for me but he told me the same thing. To add insult to injury they filed to recover attorney’s fees. We go before the same judge who advises them the money I have paid for child support outweighs their attorney fees and they would actually owe me money since under the law she accepted that child support for no legal reason.
I sent emails asking how my daughter was doing, asked for recent pictures, sent birthday and Christmas gifts to their lawyer to give to my daughter and all were unanswered until one day she replies to an email with ‘leave me and my family alone or I will get a restraining order’. WHAT?!?! I am asking for PICTURES via email! Nothing else! Her and her husband have since had a fourth child so my daughter is number 3 of four and has no idea I am her father.
I have not contacted her since, I have been able to snag a picture or two over the years thanks to mutual friends but that’s it. Every day is a living hell, I walk past the pictures of my daughter I have hanging on the wall. I won’t even think of taking them down even though they break my heart daily.
I have missed out on everything, my daughter is going to be 13 in November! I didn’t get to teach her how to ride her bike, didn’t get to see her off to her first day of school, didn’t get to teach her to swim or take her to Disney…nothing. (I am now sobbing) I have to wait 5 more years to LEGALLY see my own daughter.
Holidays are horrific, Christmas I can’t give her presents and watch her open them up, Easter, can’t watch her find Easter eggs, birthdays both hers and mine wishing I could give her a gift or get a hand written card from her. Father’s day I won’t leave the house because I can’t stand to see other father’s with their daughters. Going to fairs or carnivals and seeing other dads with their daughter makes me sick inside, it’s impossible to hold back the tears but I have to because I am in public or on a date or with friends and have to appear as if I can handle anything.
You can’t imagine what it feels like as friends and family ask how my daughter is doing and I have NO idea but still have to smile and say she is doing fine or when a neighbor or business associate asks…do you have any kids? Naturally I say yes, one daughter and they ask where is she, how come I never see her around, where does she live, etc., as I am choking back my tears and anger I say…she lives with her mother and quickly change the subject. When anyone you know asks why you don’t have your kid anymore and you have to explain WHY and the law is SO unbelievable that you know they aren’t buying it and start wondering what is really going on.
It’s embarrassing, I often wonder do people think I am a scumbag, a deadbeat father or some sort of criminal as if it is my fault or choice that she isn’t around. This has gone on for 9 years now, 9 years since I have seen my daughter! This has effected my relationships, I am afraid to have another child because my daughter will think I replaced her when I eventually get to see her.
Every day as you see me and wonder what’s wrong with me, here is your answer. I have to try to act normal on the outside while I am being eaten up alive on the inside with anger, resentment, sadness and fear that I will die before I get to see my daughter or even worse she will hate me either due to whatever he mother may tell her or because she feels I should have done more to get to see her not realizing my hands were tied by her mother, the courts and this horrible law that is not in anyone’s best interest.